I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
