Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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