Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
