2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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