Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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