the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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