so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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