Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
