made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
