Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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