I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
