Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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