you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
