it's too hot outside to masturbate.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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