So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
This is the high leading the old right now
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
