1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
