I faked an abortion last night.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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