Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
