at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
