life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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