when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
