Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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