dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
