I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
