I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
