he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
