She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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