I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
