The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
