My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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