Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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