She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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