I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
