I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Who died my cat blue again?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
