I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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