i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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