i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Even my vagina gasped.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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