i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
