I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
