I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
