NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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