So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
