the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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