I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
