I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
