Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
