she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
