she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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