we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
