Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
