Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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