I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
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I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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