Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
