im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
