We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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