She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
