That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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