no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
